MCATs or MTELs

I am going crazy so I can imagine that both my Professors and family are going crazy as well. "I don't think I want to go to medical school," I said for the third time in two weeks. "What is it that you want to do this hour, Jill?" my dad asked with raised brows and a shake of his head.

The question of what do I want to do has been answered numerous times in the past 21 days. In the past 21 days this was my thought process: I'll go back to school for chiropractic, grad school is expensive, I'll join the Navy, I'd be an officer, the Navy won't pay for chiropractic, aha! osteopathy is its cousin, the Navy will pay for this, hmm 4 years of grad, 3 years of residency, and they X amount of years of service, I'll have to take the MCATS, maybe I want to teach, "you make nothing," "in this economy you'll want some more security," say my audience. I get a monthly stipend, tuition coverage, and a job secured plus I'll be able to travel and see the world. But I want to rock climb, write, make my own pair of moccasins, have a garden, meditate and drive a VW bus. I fit the teacher profile. I would be poor but free to travel during the summer. I could be passing up a good opportunity. If I study osteopathic medicine I could practice the more holistic approaches, "nobody practiced the manipulative techniques while I was serving," if you do go this route...don't tell them you're interested in holistic medicine," says the audience. So over a decade of me not being able to practice the way I want...for what free education, status, job security? Medicine Mel offered to give me a gift certificate to take the Kaplan course for free. But what about my happiness?  Teaching. I used to love conducting the study group, developing the lesson plans, figuring out the best strategy to get the students to grasp the concepts. I could do that all day. I felt great every time the group met and I help someone to learn. Teach, that's what I'll do.

I got a sore throat from withholding this from my parents over the weekend for fear of their disappointment. But I had the munchies the morning after they got back so I went down and shared the news. Surprisingly they were proud and happy that I was happy with my decision.

So now it's the MTELs on September 24th, even if I fail I'll get feedback, so that I can work on the parts that need working on and I can take them again. This will allow me to teach in a public school setting. But it's the waiting process which is getting me down. I don't have an income, my parents are moving and invited me to go with them and, oh, my car was just sold, so I haven't a job, wheels, or home. I don't think I have ever been so bombarded with choices. From this I am experiencing IBS.

There is an easy choice, moving to NH with my parents (which would mean no overhead), working for my dad (which would mean not having to find a job and making good money), and studying for the MTELS. If I pass the MTELS then I would be able to look for a job in a public school setting, and teachers of the sciences are in high demand...good thing! But I am antsy and I hate not making money.

Then I met some friends of my parents: Sarah, Patrick and Diana, all within three hours of each other. Patrick teaches English in Chili, Sarah used to teach English in Japan and Diana taught English in Nepal while serving the PeaceCorps.

I think it is a sign. All three taught English overseas, although, through very different ports. Now I have the romantic idea of the PeaceCorp in my mind. Well it has resurfaced because I have always wanted to join. The book I am reading, "Energy Anatomy," by Caroline Myss, offers that relationships are spiritual messengers that help you to become more conscious of yourself and your path in life.  I was filling out the application today but stopped when it asked about credit and loads: are they paid off, or will they be by the time you serve? Oh boy....ok slow down Jill, your mind is spinning like a top and about to collapse, I need to remind myself. So during this hour, I have decided that I need to relax and focus on studying for the MTELS. September 24th is not that far away and I know that my parents will support me for the next month.

I don't want to be dependent on them but i need to remind myslef that I am taking steps to become independent and a month of dependence is going to result in the rest of my independent life. So i need to swallow my pride, wipe the raised brow off my face, and breathe. My assignment for the next month is going to be studying for the MTELS. I'm not going to worry about finding a job, a car or planning the rest of my life because I need to be in the now. But I think it would be smart to put my name in for substituting...that'll do.

I hope no one ever has to read this because I just ranted and I normally reread what I write but this looks daunting. you know it's bad when you don't even want to read it!